What Is the Mechanism of Offensiveness?  

Posted by: wiseindisguise

There is gross and subtle offensiveness. Gross is obvious, while subtle is often unintended. I am more interested in the subtle one. It is hard to know when I offend someone in a subtle way when it is not my agenda to do so. I say something and the other side gets offended, gets touched in a sensitive spot that I am not aware of.

I recall my latest experience. I was speaking with one nice lady who at one point was trying to joke but I did not like her words, the joke was not funny to me. I did not laugh but I also did not show her that her words hurt me. I was disturbed by her words. Even though I know that she did not mean to offend me, I felt offended. She was not responsible for what I felt, but I was. Since I felt offended, I have to look at myself. Sadly, knowing and understanding that does not detach the poor lady from the experience. In the future I may try to avoid her presence out of fear of being offended again.

The point is when I get offended I have to focus on myself, what exactly offended me and why, what I don't understand or know that causes me to feel offended. It is again an opportunity to learn more about myself and learn the things I need to change to make progress in life, to push and go beyond my boundaries. In fact, when there is something I don't accept in myself, I will get the help from others who will come to me and pin-point all the shortcomings in me in order to help me to change. They may say words that will offend me, but if I look at it as a tool to show me where I need to change, then I will accept their words. They will help even though they may not be aware of the process. Feeling offended is good, makes me focus on a problem in me that needs my attention.

One may say "If you do exactly as you explained in your post, accept responsibility for your own feelings and look inside yourself for the reason(s) you experience them, you will have no need to protect yourself by avoiding this person because the fear of being offended again will no no longer exist.".

I agree but knowing the tool and how to use it does not automatically do the work! Until I analyze and understand entire situation I may be stuck with some negative feelings towards that lady. It is even possible to carry such feelings for years because it is often easier to blame someone than admit that there is a problem in me.